Parentology

Parenthood is a club. Not necessarily a prestigious or elitist club, just a club. Like nerds really into Settlers of Catan, so do parents share a profound, mystical understanding. No, it’s not that non-parents aren’t welcome into this club, it’s just that — like the Matrix — you cannot be told what it is like, you have to experience it for yourself. To clarify, by “parents” I also mean surrogate-moms and dads, adopters and sure even pet-owners — it’s not about the blood, it’s about taking on the responsibility of a life other than your own.

It’s the little things that set parents apart. Like spotting a passing baby-carriage and quieting down as you pass it by. It’s having been desensitized to diaper jokes. It’s going to bed early and honestly looking forward to the morning coffee at 05:19. Mostly, it’s carrying a void in your heart when you’re away from the little one for too long.

From an outsiders perspective, parents are super annoying. They appear to be completely self-centered around their own little world. They bring their kids to grocery stores. And on flights, oh god they bring kids on flights make it stop. And they yell, and their children scream, and they lose their temper, and they should be bringing up their kids differently I’d show them how I’d teach’em good. And oh man the topics they drone on about, on and on and on and on, hours on end. “Did you know the diapers are really cheap in that store you don’t normally shop in?” “Oh you really should be using cotton diapers, those one-time diapers aren’t good for you.” “Selma’s teething now, it makes me look forward to the morning coffee at 05:19.” Terrible.

Bear with us. Becoming a parent does something to you. The sleep deprivation combined with the intrinsic knowledge that failure won’t ever be an option, sprinkled with the occasional tiny smile you receive from the creature in your care. It’ll hit you like you haven’t been hit before. It may only be chemistry, but it’ll make you see through time and feel like you can punch through a wall. When I held my baby girl in my hands for the first time, while it was the biggest moment in my life, it was frankly bittersweet. The moment reminded me that everyone was once a cute little baby. That angry cat lady down the street who keeps yelling at you for no good reason. The sad homeless guy carrying an ominous sign. They were both once little cute babies, with a mother who nursed them and cared for them. Or, even more heartbreaking, lost their mothers.

It makes you realise you have something to lose now. Like a chronic tristesse, it drastically widens your perspective. Life takes on new meaning. Yeah, it’ll likely take a while before you can watch the news again. Yeah, it’ll make you focus your complete attention on children in your vicinity — not only your own, but other children as well. And yes, doing so will make you seem completely self-centered to your peers. It’s a steep price and there are no returns. Fortunately it takes only one smile from the little creature and you’re willing to pay double.

Newspeak

When you reach a certain age, that is, the age when you start sentences with “When you reach a certain age”, you start to think that kids today aren’t what they used to be. Which is of course an eternal falsetruth because kids both are, and are not what they used to be. And kids today say “fail”.

Actually, kids say many dumb things, including “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”, but the word “fail” when used as a noun, makes me die a little inside. Like the sound frequency that breaks glass, the mere utterance of the word initiates an intellectual necrosis in my being. It makes me sad, tired, and a little on-edge. Instantly.

It’s not so much the meaning, I’m fine with failing. In fact, I do it all the time. Sometimes I even learn from my failures. That’s when experience is generated. Yay for that.

It’s when the word is used in its impoverished, truncated non-verb form. Fail. It makes me think of George Orwell and Idiocracy. It confirms my fears of the future and amplifies them. We’re dumbing down the language to a point where expression is becoming a scarce resource; and this at a time where the tools for publishing said are increasingly numerous and easy to use. Yet time and again expressions are truncated, not even filling the 140 character limit. Poof. Gone with the wind in a cacophany of who cares.

Go start a blog or something, write about your cat or the difficulty of the human condition. If you must use the word “fail”, use it in a sentence. On the other hand, if enough people use the noun-form word in a meaningful way — excrutiating as it would be — one day “fail” would be canonized a noun in the dictionary. What would really sanction the word would be if Stephen Hawking used it to describe string theory. That would be the day I embraced newspeak.

Pills

While listening to my favorite podcast the other day, one host casually threw out this statement, which is all it takes to infuriate me:

I don’t believe in pills

Well good for you. And real fucking good you don’t have allergies. Or Pneumonia.

In all fairness, this is a statement that I hear all the time from all sorts of people. It’s also a statement that probably shouldn’t be taken at face value; I’m sure the host in question was referring to plain headache pills or even vitamin pills. While I’m at it, let me clarify that I harbor a tremendous respect for this particular host, and he does believe in vaccines so he’s not a moron. So let’s not make this about him. Which is why, in the interest of putting myself in the opposing viewpoint, there are many reasons why you might want to avoid some pills. Multi-vitamin pills may or may not work, and if you eat right: fish, vegetables, meat or chickpeas, you’re probably better off without ‘em. Also, make sure you get lots of sunlight so you can skip the D-vitamins. It’s probably also better to search for the root cause of your headache (did you remember to hydrate?) than to eat a painkiller. Finally, there’s a lingering concern that some pills, especially pills involving hormones, have serious side-effects we might not know about until the next generation.

That’s all good and well. But the statement still kills me. “I don’t believe in pills”. Well fuck you: pills can save lives. Pills can cure you. Pills can relieve your pain. Pills can give you a decent life despite chronic illnesses or even ease the passage of someone with a terminal disease. Sure, some of those pills have side-effects, but sometimes you’d rather experience the side-effects than the effects of the illness for which you’re eating the pills in the first place. I personally prefer to eat antihistamines and be just a little bit tired all the time over not being able to breathe. In fact, I really love those pills, despite their side-effects, and I sure as hell believe in those pills. Because those pills work.

I’m not out to lambast anyone for this particular brand of ignorance; everyone is entitled to a modicum of stupidity. But I want to shine a light on the fact that saying “I don’t believe in pills” makes you sound like a dumb douchebag. It’s a simplistic view of life and you could at the very least augment your opinion by clarifying that you prefer not to eat pills if there’s a readily available alternative to your particular needs.

Or do you just want me to grind up your pills and put them in some OJ, sport?

Redesigned

redesigned

Felt an urge to redecorate the other day, and so I threw some new paint on this old thing. I trimmed a lot of fat, went all HTML5, completely ignored Internet Explorer, threw in a Google web-font and made the site all responsive and scaling to smartphones. It was liberating. If you’re reading this in a feed-reader, I invite you to jump out of it for a brief gander.

For a while I’ve been working on the be-all end-all WordPress theme, a parent theme framework with all sorts of other buzzwords not including synergy. For this theme, however, I simply threw it all out and started with a mix of TwentyEleven (excellent HTML5 base) and the deprecated fallback theme you’re not actually supposed to use (turns out the fallback comments form was much to my liking; don’t worry, I copied the files to my theme directory).

I also deactivated a bunch of plugins. I’ve been a tremendous fan of Subscribe To Comments ever since I switched from Movable Type almost a decade ago (how time flies), but since the introduction of email subscriptions in Jetpack, that plugin is more-so a must-have for me (not to mention the fact that the stats module is now some of my bread and a lot of my butter). I have a bunch of to-do’s still, mostly related to finding a decent way to make my photos section interesting again.

Then of course, I’ve turned down the lights, something you either love or hate. I’ve found myself reading a lot on my smartphone, and somehow it works for me when the little device emits less light in my face. Black will do that to you, and I’m told it’s always a good choice. Plus, I’m a big fan of feed-readers (not so much Google Reader anymore), so if you prefer a white background you may go right back to your reader of choice and I will harbor no ill will towards you.

Part of my urge to redesign has been my want of going long-form. This blog has gone through a lot of iterations based on my whim at the time. Currently, this quote by Brent Simmons appeals to me:

Twitter and Facebook are great for organizing a revolution. Blogs are for explaining why we need one.

I’m not looking to start a revolution, and the truth is I may blog way less these days now that I’m juggling a toddler and a fantastic job. But what I do write, I want to keep, store, cross-reference and archive.

Hitch

All my heroes are dead now.

This night, Christopher Hitchens passed. He’d been struggling with cancer for a couple of years, yet he’d kept going despite knowing exactly what was in store for him.

A passing always hits a special part of your body, an organ you did not know was there. It’s like losing part of what helped keep your balance. It’s going to take some time to find a new balance in absence of that support.

When Arthur C. Clarke passed, he’d lived a lifetime and written more than one lifetimes worth of work. Knowing that, it was somewhat more easy to celebrate his life and work, knowing he’d more than fulfilled his promise. Douglas Adams life, on the other hand, was cut short like now Hitchens was. Surely both Adams and Hitchens have achieved more in their lives than many of us can ever hope to, but it still makes this no less tragic.

Hitch had a profound impact on me. Through his writing and speaking he logically approached the difficulty of the human condition. In no uncertain terms, Hitch managed to make actual sense of what might not have any sense in the first place. Not believing in God is not as easy as it sounds. The notion that this is it and even if you live a life unfulfilled in the end you’ll return to the void, that is a hard pill to swallow. Somehow it puts the injustice of the world in an even starker contrast.

Through this, Hitch taught me that what I need to strive for in life is to have more good days than bad days. He taught me what I want for my own deathbed; to have made some impact in the lives of the people I spent it with, to hopefully have been an invisible support to give balance. You were that support to me, Hitch, and like walking a staircase missing a step, I expect to stumble in your absence. I will do my best to find a new balance and help others do so. And I will tell my daughter about you.

The bravest are surely those who have the clearest vision of what is before them, glory and danger alike, and yet notwithstanding, go out to meet it
– Thucydides